Confessions of A Wounded Heart!

I just took a journey that I cannot even believe I allowed myself to take.  I went to a place that I told myself I would never go again.  I allowed myself to be manipulated and used by someone who didn't care about me or my feelings.  Why?  Because I have a wounded heart.

I have a heart that is very much in need of healing.  I have lived on this earth for 47 years and have never really known what is like to be loved and cherished by an earthly man.   I was not raised by a Dad who was emotionally available.  My Dad lived in my home for only 9 years of my life and was mostly absent after he left, I did not know what it felt like to have a man around.  I rarely had the experience of peering into my Dad's eyes to see that sparkle of approval.  Mostly what I saw was a look of disappointment and anger, as if his own failure as a man was staring back at him everytime I messed up.  Messing up was just a normal thing to do, after all I was only a child learning the ways of life.  I didn't know any different.  I just wanted to hear, "I am proud of you, way to go, you are special, you are so loved, it's okay I still love you even when you make a mistake."

I've been a Christian since 1998 and I still sometimes struggle to truly grasp that God loves me.  That he thinks I am amazing, wonderful and unique.   I've tried hard to grasp this concept of a loving God, but it has been difficult because I never really had a Dad or a Mom for that matter, that just loved me for me.  No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, or didn't try, the only look I ever saw in their eyes was disapproval.  Love came with conditions, mostly based on performance or behavior.  I felt like a constant failure, like I could never live up to what was asked of me.  As an adult this lead to years and years of people pleasing.  Of becoming everything the other person wanted just so I could see that look of approval in their eyes.   It became my self-idenity, if you liked me or approved or me, if I made you happy, if I could help you or better your life in some way, I was a good person.

For the most part the Lord has healed me from this false sense of self in many ways.  However, I've recently learned I've still got some healing to do.  I just ended a very damaging two week relationship, where I compromised some of my new found self-worth just to please a man and hopefully win his approval.  The good news is I only allowed this to happen for two weeks, my life is back in God's will today.  Hallelujah!  Why did I allow my value system that I had so painstaking relaid for myself to be compromised even for two weeks?  Why?  Because deep down inside I still have some healing to do in this area.  I still have moments of doubt that God loves me unconditionally.  I believed a lie and once again began to seek affirmation from a man.  The wounded part of me wanted to hear my daddy tell me, he loves me, that he's proud of me.  I put myself in a place of great compromise because of this wounded part of my heart.

Here's the funny thing, I didn't get what I was looking for in my compromise, it didn't come, and what little satisfaction there was, didn't come freely or without conditions and more compromise of who I am.  So it did not satisfy it made me feel worse, not better.  It did not make me feel loved, because it was a false sense of worth.  The value came in standing up for myself and saying no I will not, or you can not do this to me, I don't need your approval.  The value came in realizing I am better than this and I will not allow you to steal my peace, joy and new found understanding of the amazing person I am.  My true sense of worth came today as I knealt at church and felt God's unconditional love flood over me as we sang and worshiped His name.

I've learned that life is meant to be enjoyed and lived abundantly, that is what Jesus said he came to give us in John 10:10.  Life does bring struggle sometimes that we must endure, but God loves us so much that he gave us the gift of eternal joy when He came into our hearts through Jesus to help us through those tough times.  If you are in a situation where you do not feel that joy then you need to recalibrate, you need to step back and ask yourself who or what is stealing my peace and joy.  You need to get on your knees and ask God to give you the strength to do whatever it takes to get your life back on track.  He died to give us life and give it to us abundantly, that is a promise you can stand on!  Even if you have messed up and compromised who you truly are, just know you can get back on track, turn from the wrong road you are on, and head down the path to discovering true joy and happiness you were created to experience in this life time.  Do not allow the devil to steal the truth of who you are today!  A wonderful child of God, who is loved with an everlasting love.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8  Don't let it be you or your life!!